Cinema re-opens after make-over

by Henrietta Scuttlers

I’ve always loved hanging out in the back row of cinemas, so I was delighted to receive an invite to the grand re-opening of our local picture house and off-licence.
Kino & Vino has undergone an exhaustive and cheap 14-year refurbishment which means it can now play movies with sound and everything.
The grand gala re-opening [...]

Netting a couple of tennis girls

by Frostbite Phil

Some cheery news from old chum “Long” John Lobbe, local tennis coach hereabouts and parrot aficionado.
Two of our young tennis club members are heading out to the US off of A after Long John secured a scholarship for them to attend one of the world’s top tennis academies.
Long John will be joining them [...]

“Save the Local Chippy” campaign starts here

by Edward Framley

The very fabric of what put the “great” into Great Britain in the first place is apparently being torn asunder.
Post offices are closing.
Birmingham might not have any library at all the way things are going.
And thieves are stealing vegetables from allotments – although we can at least be assured that the scumbags responsible [...]

Top DJs to play VillageVoltz 08

by Sammy-Lou Westwinds

This is turning into a top summer for music.
Thanks to our enigmatic boss, everyone at Derek Belm & Sons is off to Glastonbury today with J-Z whilst Mr Belm prepares for this W.O.R.D.S.C.A.M.P. thing.
This will kick-start a summer of fantastic music events and festivals around the area. But now I hear of the [...]

Racing away from the politically correct PCs

by Mostyn (off of Dinsmore & Mostyn)

It has been brought to my attention that the fragrant Mr Belm has struck up some agreement or other to which it is agreed that Dinsmore and myself are able to contribute to this Villager thingummyjig.
I am, of course, delighted, as monies are a little scarce of late, given [...]

Dont’ watch Dom, he’s dumb

by Jimmy Rasher

As summertime is usually the season of death for door-to-door cutlery selling, I’ve been staying in my pyjamas and watching daytime television.
This was still a fairly new and experimental concept when I was at the height of my own TV career, so I was interested to see how it has developed.
Not very well is [...]

Good villagers spy on each other

by Laura Norder

I am somewhat alarmed and disappointed at a communique from party HQ regarding CCTV and surveillance.
It seems our leaders want us to tone down the snooping and spying that goes on, some bally nonsense about civil liberties and an over-zealous use of powers.
They believe the excellent equipment we have at our disposal is [...]

Five men go at it

by Frostbite Phil

The start of the summer 5-a-side football league is upon us once again.
Reigning champions and our local side have a new name this year thanks to a big money sponsorship deal with one of our most successful villagist retailers.
The owner of the Sock-A-Doodle-Do store – probably a foot fetishist – has ploughed an [...]

Summer health tips #2 – eat greens

by Oona Flucker

It is often said that breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
I am not going to challenge such wisdom, indeed starting with a hearty breakfast certainly helps to set one up for the rest of the day.
But I am a strong supporter of lunch.
I believe lunch ranks alongside breakfast in importance [...]

Television timewarp repeats on me

by Jimmy Rasher

I like television, don’t you?
Television makes us more intelligent, more wise, more attractive to the opposite sex.
Television is the best friend we have.
It sits in the corner of the room, not judging us but simply providing us with a window on the world to help make us more understanding, more tolerant, more aware and more [...]