by Laura Norder
I was deeply troubled, distressed and disheartened to read The Stirrer again today.
Reading through the rantings and ravings of the diminutive trouble-maker, I found a story that got my blood pressure riding as high as my jodphurs.
It seems the excellent children’s slide at the Birmingham Botanical Gardens is to be removed for health and safety precautions.
Children will no longer have the thrill of the wind rushing through their young hair as they hurtle downwards on the slide, leaving skid marks in their wake.
It is wishy-washy liberal political correctness gone mad and further proof that these Labour thumb-suckers are sending our great nation hurtling towards a nanny state.
There will come a time when you won’t be able to use a whip when teach a young girl how to ride properly, mark my words.
What is this country becoming?
I’m sure the saintly Margaret wouldn’t have put up with such idiotic notions of wrapping everyone and everything up in cotton wool.
In fact I know for certain that my idol – Margaret Lockwood – was a great fan of slides. You can see the joy it once brought her in her eyes:
But fear not, I am coming to the rescue and waging a one-woman fight against this nanny stateness. I will no longer stand by silently and allow this politically correct nonsense in The Stirrer to go unchallenged.
So, to counter this unique brand of molly-coddling, I’ve had a word with daddy and come up with a cunning plan.
This summer we will be opening up the conveyor belts at one of daddy’s gravel pits out Nuneaton way as children’s slides, a thrilling and imaginative alternative to the Birmingham Botanical Gardens slide that is now off-limits.
Here were the new summer slides, yesterday:
We’ve come up with a fair pricing structure – £10 flat rate entrance fee, then £5 per go on a slide.
Daddy’s friend “Uncle” Sir Archie will be parking some of his fast food vans around the slides, charging staggering amounts for horrible food and warm fizzy pop.
We’ll also have some of the gravel pit workers on hand with hoses if the weather gets really hot – £5 per burst.
Children need to be active, they need to be allowed to slide down slides. If we prevent them from doing such activities, they simply become fat little blighters more interested in suckling on their mother’s bosoms than making a fist of it in the real world.
We are in danger of raising a generation of poofs, both the male and female variety. Then where will we be?
Whilst others simply write about how such nonsense like this is allowed to proliferate, we in the party and at The Shouty Villager make a stand and come up with an action plan.
We walk the walk, talk the talk and slide down the slides – no matter what the health and safety implications.
Together, we can conquer this namby-pamby, politically correct, nose-wiping nonsense!
