Abnormal service resumes

by Derek Belm

Now that I have been released by my Russian kidnappers, I shall be cracking of the old whippet hereabouts.
A newspaper and newspaper blog without stories is like the Tory shadow cabinet – completely useless.
So I’ll be getting the staffage producing the printed version forthwith, of not sooner.
I’ll also be proverbially kicking the guest [...]

Food on the move

by Thick John

Exciting news! If you can stomach that kind of thing, obviously.
In my absence from the village, one of our local take-aways has introduced a delivery service.
Whilst we were all getting drunk and disorderly thanks to the flighty sort Henrietta putting Belm’s money to good use, local eatery Pie-hole’s (owned by Stevie Pie-Hole) has [...]

Return of the bloggists

by Henrietta Scuttlers

The Shouty Villager’s blogs have been unusually quiet this past week or so.
I should explain.
Prior to his departure for a working holiday tour of Europe with his wife (Mrs Belm), our esteemable editor-in-chief Derek left me with a “kitty” valued at several hundreds of pounds.
This was to pay for any unforseen expenses during [...]

The ingredients of good TV

by Jimmy Rasher

My blogging has taken a back seat to cutlery selling and television watching.
But those two worlds collided in spectacular style last week.
I found myself stood on the doorstep of a large detached house in north Birmingham trying to persuade the lady of the manor to buy some forks when she said: “Aren’t you [...]

Red, not dead

by Frostbite Phil

I’m going to do something a little different today.
Instead of concentrating on one sport and one local accomplishment, I’m going to write about the wider issue of health and well-being.
More specifically, I’m here to talk to you today about why communism is best for health, wealth and prosperity.
It was heartening to see one [...]

Taste village life and Feed Your Faces

by Thick John

If you want a taste of villagist life then head over to this way.
The 92nd biennial Feed Your Faces festival got up and chomping yesterday with all kinds of grub up for grabs – and its almost all free!
For some reasons all the local restaurants, shops, suppliers and WI groups in the area [...]

Knitted diva to take Midlands by storm

by Henrietta Scuttlers

Experimental, avant garde knitted diva Pearl-1 has announced plans to stage her debut performance in the Midlands amidst threats of critical disdain and audience rioting.
The controversial alleged performance artist and singer polarises opinion like few others.
Some despise her work, the rest want to remove her from society completely.
As a result police, MI5, MI6, the fire [...]

Local butcher supplies top eateries

by Thick John

I’m writing this with my food and drink commentator’s helmet on.
News in the village says that our local butchery and pet store – The Flesh and the Furry – has won a couple of prestigious orders.
The firm is to supply meat-based products to two of the leading eateries in the Midlands – Blunderers [...]

Special relationships with colonial cousins

by Hugh G Leigh-Pithie

To the Sketch Club for a few snifters and plenty of stimulating and enlightened points of order.
The club, the drinking man’s debating chamber of choice, attracts some of the finest minds of the village and farther afield.
Indeed, it has been said that some even come from swanky Birmingham to partake of a [...]

Good villagers spy on each other

by Laura Norder

I am somewhat alarmed and disappointed at a communique from party HQ regarding CCTV and surveillance.
It seems our leaders want us to tone down the snooping and spying that goes on, some bally nonsense about civil liberties and an over-zealous use of powers.
They believe the excellent equipment we have at our disposal is [...]