Abnormal service resumes

by Derek Belm

Now that I have been released by my Russian kidnappers, I shall be cracking of the old whippet hereabouts.
A newspaper and newspaper blog without stories is like the Tory shadow cabinet – completely useless.
So I’ll be getting the staffage producing the printed version forthwith, of not sooner.
I’ll also be proverbially kicking the guest [...]

Pitfalls of penning Bonekickers with a villagist twist

by Mostyn (off of Dinsmore & Mostyn)

Father has been bitten by the writer’s bug.
After watching my dilatory twonk of a PA (that illiterate oaf Scotty) typing away at his little PineappleMac (or somesuch contraption), Father decided that there must be money to be made in writing words.
His aim, therefore, is to write the Christmas special of [...]

Food on the move

by Thick John

Exciting news! If you can stomach that kind of thing, obviously.
In my absence from the village, one of our local take-aways has introduced a delivery service.
Whilst we were all getting drunk and disorderly thanks to the flighty sort Henrietta putting Belm’s money to good use, local eatery Pie-hole’s (owned by Stevie Pie-Hole) has [...]

An inglorious 12th

by Mostyn (off of Dinsmore & Mostyn)

I was awakened on Saturday morning by Father, who had decided to take Dinsmore and myself out into the countryside for some shooting.
This was, of course, because it was “The Glorious Twelth”.
Now, there are two “twelths” – the first (12 July) is the day on which Protestant Loyalists march [...]

Taste village life and Feed Your Faces

by Thick John

If you want a taste of villagist life then head over to this way.
The 92nd biennial Feed Your Faces festival got up and chomping yesterday with all kinds of grub up for grabs – and its almost all free!
For some reasons all the local restaurants, shops, suppliers and WI groups in the area [...]

Knitted diva to take Midlands by storm

by Henrietta Scuttlers

Experimental, avant garde knitted diva Pearl-1 has announced plans to stage her debut performance in the Midlands amidst threats of critical disdain and audience rioting.
The controversial alleged performance artist and singer polarises opinion like few others.
Some despise her work, the rest want to remove her from society completely.
As a result police, MI5, MI6, the fire [...]

Netting a couple of tennis girls

by Frostbite Phil

Some cheery news from old chum “Long” John Lobbe, local tennis coach hereabouts and parrot aficionado.
Two of our young tennis club members are heading out to the US off of A after Long John secured a scholarship for them to attend one of the world’s top tennis academies.
Long John will be joining them [...]

Racing away from the politically correct PCs

by Mostyn (off of Dinsmore & Mostyn)

It has been brought to my attention that the fragrant Mr Belm has struck up some agreement or other to which it is agreed that Dinsmore and myself are able to contribute to this Villager thingummyjig.
I am, of course, delighted, as monies are a little scarce of late, given [...]

Television timewarp repeats on me

by Jimmy Rasher

I like television, don’t you?
Television makes us more intelligent, more wise, more attractive to the opposite sex.
Television is the best friend we have.
It sits in the corner of the room, not judging us but simply providing us with a window on the world to help make us more understanding, more tolerant, more aware and more [...]

The inconvenient truth about saving our public toilets

by Laura Norder

How very short-sighted of the councillors in Warwickshire who are considering shutting public toilets in the hope for saving a few pennies.
I read with a mixture of horror, disgust and despair about the prospect of five public toilets being closed in order to save £600,000.
As well as being mightily inconvenient, the truth of the matter [...]